Cookie's days: Is religion OK?

Cookie's days: Is religion OK?: There has been a bit of debate about the difference between religion and the gospel in recent days because of this video which has gone v...

Church Leadership: my experience of testing the call to ministry, enduring illness and what I have learnt

Over the past few months I have been giving lots of consideration to the real reason why I suffered a huge mental health breakdown in 2009/10 during my time in paid ministry working for a church.

As you can imagine I have been through quite a journey mentally and physically. Recently, I have been able to piece together insights into the spiritual side of the illness, which I believe to have been the primary cause.

I was able to reach this conclusion by first looking back at the questions that the doctors and nurses asked me when I became unwell. You see, when you are suffering with depression and related illnesses, health professionals will look into at all aspects of your life to find a cause. I was asked the following questions (that I can remember):

1.    Is your marriage making you unhappy?

2.    Are you sexually unhappy?

3.    Are the issues from your childhood still the cause?

4.    Is your family relationships the problem?

5.    Do you have no friends?

6.    Are you unfulfilled in your job?

7.    Do you have financial concerns or debt?

8.    Do you drink too much?

9.    Do you take drugs?

10.Are you hearing voices?

To all the above I could truly answer no. So the health professionals kept asking me what was wrong. They were confused because all the physical and social things in my life were clearly good. So why was I depressed? What was truly wrong? At the time, I couldn’t see the problem. The only thing I felt was deep unhappiness from within, which I didn’t have the right words to articulate. I didn’t feel like my normal self. But in time I would learn that it was ‘joy’ that wasn’t there in my life anymore.

Joy – a fruit that comes from the Spirit to those who believe and walk with Jesus. The health professionals couldn’t see this problem because in modern mental health – they don’t generally practice holistic healthcare that considers faith fairly or openly.

So what happened?

I had left my job as a children’s intensive care nurse a few months before I was ill. I was working full-time as a Worship and Youth Pastor at a church. My time in this role was spent mostly focussing on worship leading, which is something I am passionate about.

So why was I working for a church?

Well, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to be a nurse anymore. Ever since I can remember I have always wanted to work in the caring profession. However, I have often felt and still feel God calling me to be a leader within the ministry of His church. But how one fulfils a calling to ministry varies from one person to another. So by working for a church I wanted to test out if God was potentially calling me to a paid ordained ministry. The ordained ministry is not the only way to serve in God’s church, but it is one route I felt I needed to consider and could test in my role as a worship and youth pastor. And so I didn’t feel God say you must leave nursing and never return to it. But I also knew that God didn’t mind me testing the ‘water’ – so to speak.

Following a serious breakdown in my mental health whilst being in paid ministry, I decided to leave working for the church in mid 2009. I had to leave because I was placing my focus on the leader of the church, instead of my relationship with Jesus. This is where things went wrong. I was placing focus on this leader, out of loyalty, misjudgement and a desire to please and get his approval from a tangible role model. But the price of turning my focus away from God was that I became consumed by the pain and hurt that this particular leader was enduring in his own ministry at the church. The negativity, anger and bitterness that surrounded me, from this leader on a daily basis, was unbearable with time.

When I think back to when I was beginning to become unwell I heard God speaking to me about the importance of the fruit of the Spirit. Galations 5: 22-23 reads, “…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” The Lord was highlighting to me from this, at that time, the importance of Joy through a colleague who exhibited this fruit in every aspect of her life. This colleague kept her focus on Jesus in the ups and downs. As I started seeing the joy in this persons whole life, and it’s vital importance to my life, I new something was wrong in me because I was not seeing the fruit of joy in my walk with the Lord. I had lost all joy, I wasn’t meeting with God and it led to depression.

As prayer, medicines, my wife, family and friends helped me out of my pit of depression, I was physically able to return to work at the church. But I was afraid to return. I didn’t want to return after my sick leave, because something inside me was telling me to stay far away. The negativity and the issues the leader faced within his church, made me just as angry as he was with the congregation, but instead my anger was directed on him. Close friends told me to leave the church staff team for my own sake. It wasn’t the first time they had seen this happen to a member of the church staff. But I felt it was right to go back and work my notice period. When I came off the staff team my wife and I continued attending the church, which caused further personal distress. Even though I was in recovery from my episode of depression in 2009, I was going to hit another tough spot in early 2010. This time the spiral into depression was due to anger.

The anger that had grown in me had left me feeling very bitter towards the leader of the church. He said and did things that hurt me. And I probably in truth did the same to him. But at that time it didn’t matter to me. Anger and hatred consumed my heart. I wrestled daily with trying to love this leader, but I just couldn’t. One day I would convince myself I was ok with it all, and then another day I was angry again. This went on and on for months. And the longer it went on the more I felt alone from God. But it wasn’t God who had left me. It was my sin (my anger) that was putting the block on my relationship with God. The block made things in life feel so bad that I wanted to die. I felt numb, confused, rejected, betrayed, foolish, naive, and most of all so angry that I couldn’t function anymore. But thankfully, I got through this episode and recovered with help and support.

Over the past year I have been able to get my life back on track. If there was ever the need to change churches, it couldn’t have come quick enough in December 2010. Since then my journey has continued. I got better and I have said sorry to God and turned my focus back to Jesus. I’d forgotten how much Jesus did for me by dying on a cross to cover my sin and shame. I am so grateful for his love, grace and mercy. I’m also thankful to our new church community that has welcomed us with such love and blessing. But part of saying sorry involved moving to a place of where I wanted to bless the leader who I was angry at. It doesn’t mean what happened was acceptable, but I am now in a place of where I have some understanding of how difficult his ministry is, and how I pray that God’s kingdom will be glorified through his leadership.

For many months now I believed that my illness was a sign that God did not want me to be a leader in a church. But over the last year, I have changed my mind on that thinking. I do not see how the calling to leadership can be tested with a negative result determined through a health problem. Nor can it be tested adequately under poor church leadership or an unhealthy church environment.

What I have also learnt, and this is crucial, is that if you go into leadership within a church – you must keep your focus of leadership based on your relationship with Jesus, and not on the relationship you have with any of the people of the church.

I nearly lost my faith in Jesus. So I had to recapture the Truth of who Jesus is and how much he loves me to be in the place I’m in now. Loosing our sight of Jesus, and placing any kind of expectation upon church leaders whereby they supplement or replace a relationship with God, will only lead to big disappointment. This is because they are human just like you and me – they get things wrong. But those in the church & in leadership must consider carefully their role and conduct within the church, according to God’s help through the word – the bible.

As soon as I met Jesus again – my life came back together and I’m once again using my gifts in the local church and my marriage and family life are being blessed. I am once again working as a nurse and I know this is where God wants me to serve for today. As for tomorrow...we shall see. My prayer is for God to constantly break my heart for what breaks his…and then to worship and serve His kingdom glory.

Investing Time in our Marriage

Rachael and I have just returned from a fantastic course that is held for married couples. The course venue was at the church we attend. But the content of the day and the resources come from an organisation called 'FamilyTime' www.familylife.uk.com.

It was a brilliant opportunity for us to spend time talking about our marriage and giving it an 'MOT'. That might sound a little trite, but think about it...we wouldn't go along without giving our cars a service etc, but how much time do we give to investing in our marriage and making sure each other is ok?

And so we were there today and we have been hugely blessed and are thankful to the team that organised the day.

I thoroughly recommend attending a course like this. The course we did, is NOT just for Christian people.  Even though the content is formed on principles and wisdom from the Bible, the teaching is relevant to all.

Have a look at the link above.

Sermon on depression

http://www.elevationchurch.org/sermons/treatment/part2

This is a very good sermon about depression.

God So Loves The World

A friend asked me today “what does it feel like to be a dad”. I paused and I replied by saying that being a dad has changed my life. In terms of feelings, I said that my heart has been broken and I’m thrilled by the arrival of my daughter Sophie.

It’s not the first time I’ve had the question above proposed to me since the birth of Sophie. In fact, I have given a lot of consideration to how I feel about Sophie, and also to how Sophie’s arrival has changed my relationship with God.

A verse that has been going over and over my mind from Scripture is that famous verse that I was made to learn and recite during my Boy’s Brigade years:

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16)

What an amazing truth! I have always loved this verse, probably because it’s one of the few verses I can recite from the bible. But whilst this verse is familiar to myself and to many, it says a lot about the character of God.

The verse tells us that God loves his world (you and me) that he sent his only son (Jesus) to die for our wrongdoings, so that believers would be saved and have eternal life.

Now that I have Sophie in my life…I now know how much I love my precious daughter. I would do absolutely anything to protect my daughter who I love so much. Sophie is so precious to me (and my wife!) that she just breaks my heart.

Can you imagine how much God’s heart has been broken? God had to let his Son Jesus die so that lives could be saved? You may say – well, why did he have to send his Son to die….seems cruel….not a very loving thing from a father to do that to his son. Yeah, but get this….God loves you and me SO much that the only way he could save us, was to sacrifice his only son, so that God could continue to have a loving relationship with those who call him Father.

I’m just blown away again by the realisation of this truth. When we say that God loves us, we can so easily breeze over the emotion and the depth of those words. But now I have my own child, and I can’t even quantify to you how much my love extends for my own daughter, it gives me a glimpse of the sacrifice and love the Lord God has for me – and for you.

Praise be to Him!

Geoff

Today I want to share this video of an interview with Dr Geoff Morris. This wonderful man, Geoff, has been a great friend to me since I graduated from Bristol and taught me so much about humility and love. Geoff has been a father figure in my life and I want you to hear the words he speaks of about the hope we can all share in Jesus. Even if you don’t believe, please listen. Geoff died recently due to cancer, and he shares about the hope he clung to in the darkness. Hope is real and free.

Suffering

I wrote the article below back in 2004 when I was still a young junior staff nurse! I have found this article helpful recently. Nothing like practicing what one preaches hey?! I hope you find this interesting and helpful.

This article has been written based on my own experience, professional
practice and reflection on suffering.

Tim James, Paediatric Staff Nurse, Paediatric Intensive Care Unit, 
Bristol Royal Hospital for Children, 2004.




The book of Job is a fantastic example of what suffering can be like, and is relevant to the world around us today. Job was your usual kind-of-guy who suffered, but yet trusted in God and brought glory to our Father. I know from my own sufferings of past depression, I’ve often asked God the question of Why? In my work in Paediatric Intensive care I’ve been involved with children and families who have suffered and sadly sometimes died, and I’ve asked God along with my patients – “Why?”


Often as humans we want to know the reasoning behind our sufferings and we can’t understand why God has allowed it to happen to us. We begin to question God’s motives and doubt his love for us. The story of Job shows us how he went through dreadful sufferings. Satan believed that if the Lord took away all that had been given and blessed to Job, then Job would curse God and turn away from the Lord. So Job went through ill health and God allowed Satan to take away Job’s children, property and livelihood too. But Jobs response is amazing throughout the book. He gets down on his knees and worships the Lord: “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job ch1 v21b).


This bible book goes on to tell us of the further sufferings of Job and how God eventually rewards him with fortunes, twice as much as he had ever had before. Personally, Job’s story reminded me of how God has strengthened my relationship with him through 3 years of ill health. I’ve been well for over a year now. Through my experiences of severe depression and desperation of life, there has been much good which has come from those awful times. My relationship with the Lord is ten times greater than it ever was before my illness. I have learnt to be reliant on God and involve him in all areas of my life. I have a better understanding of Mental Health issues and feel more equipped in supporting friends, colleagues, patients and families who are ‘low’ or depressed. It’s been a privilege to bring this skill into my professional capacity.


But there’s even more to the events of Job to encourage us. The book of Job reminds us of how God is sovereign overall and that includes suffering and the control of Satan too. We will as Christians ask the question of why we are suffering and why others suffer too. Could it be a consequence of ‘the fall’? Probably I would say! But we aren’t always capable of understanding all of Gods actions. Suffering is a mystery, which is to be accepted. There will be times of testing for Gods people: Do we love God? Or do we love our careers, car, comforts and other things of this world? What we can be sure of knowing, is that all things which have occurred, occur for God’s purpose (ch42 v2). It’s an opportunity for glory to be brought to the Lords name!!!


Within the health profession we will most definitely see our patients and their families question suffering and many will perhaps turn to God and ask ‘why?’ There maybe an opportunity here for us as Christian health professionals to tell them about God and how he sent his only son ‘Jesus’ to suffer for all mankind’s transgressions. God is somebody who knows all about suffering and most definitely suffers when his own dear children suffer.


So what does it mean for us in this life? Well, I have learnt that at times, things will be given and taken away. The question is, what will our response be to God? Will we curse the Lord and turn away or will we praise God and remain in “real faith” (commitment to God which is unconditional)?

What will you do the next time you’re suffering…?


Reflect on this song by Beth & Matt Redman…

BLESSÈD BE YOUR NAME In the land that is plentiful,
Where Your streams of abundance flow,
Blessèd be Your name.
And blessèd be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place,
Though I walk through the wilderness,
Blessèd be Your name.


Every blessing You pour out I'll
Turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord,
Still I will say:


Blessèd be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me,
When the world's 'all as it should be',
Blessèd be Your name.
And blessèd be Your name
On the road marked with suffering,
Though there's pain in the offering,
Blessèd be Your name.


You give and take away,
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say:
Lord, blessèd be Your name.

Further Reading:

Message of Job - David Atkinson, 1991, Inter-Varsity Press
If I were God, I’d end all the Pain - John Dickson 2001, Matthias Media
How Long, O Lord? - Don Carson, 1990, Inter-varsity Press
What Could I say? - Peter Hicks, 2000, Inter-varsity Press
A Practical Workbook for the Depressed Christian - John Lockley 2001, Authentic Lifestyle